I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
