Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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