What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Randomize
