I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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