Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
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