Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
