so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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