shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
