you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Found your dick twin last night
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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