Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
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