I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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