you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I would fuck him just for his dog
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
