I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
