Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
