they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
