I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
