wanna go halves on a baby?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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