she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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