Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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