I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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