I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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