i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
