On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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