when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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