Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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