maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
