I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
pray to the hookup gods
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
