Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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