1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
