So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
