We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
