hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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