so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
