In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
