mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
