Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
