woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
