dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
