My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
