Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
