dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
