You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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