I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
