I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
