It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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