he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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