Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
