upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
