6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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