the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
