It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
