Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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