The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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