I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
