He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
