the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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