he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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