Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
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