Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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