The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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