my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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