U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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